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Well peasants, 1,500 peasants can’t be wrong. It appears the Peasant Nation has come out in force for their beloved King in Week 3 Newsletter (although I must admit to at least 40 or so hits myself). Subscription revenues have never been higher (or lower - but who’s counting?).. And so peasants, I bring you Week 4! I should preface this week by stating that my legal counsel has advised not to mention a certain open league team in any terms whatsoever based on the gag order issued by US-ARG Spring District Court docket #CN-047. The court sternly reminded me that the ‘25 Dog’ is still in effect and any violation of the gag order will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. For you, my loyal peasants, I apologize… but there’s one thing a gambler doesn’t do – and that’s break the law. So I will refrain from using any reference to the parties involved in the gag order. But you, even a peasant, can assume my position on the matter. So here we are in Week 4 and I think we could dub this week “Attack of the 0-fors”. I’m not sure in all my years if I’ve seen a total of 6 teams still looking for their first win heading into Week 4. (Does anyone else see the need for a B league??) Its really at the point now where the players for teams like the Gators, Mutiny, Team Franchise, Trick 1, Goldrush and {-omitted -} suddenly start thinking that staying late at that Saturday night Texas Hold’em Tourny is a lot more interesting than waking up on Sunday morning for another weekly thrashing and bashing. Look for Sunday attendance to start dropping on these teams. Sheri-baby should not only post a point spread on these fellas, but maybe some odds on forfeit too? I’d almost lay {-omitted per docket #CN-047 -} at even money for that, but I won’t because {-omitted per docket #CN-047 -} won’t go away even in real life!! Stupid Total Gym commercials… does anyone actually buy those things?? If I were marketing that, I’d put Carmen Luvanna on that puppy and sell it as marital aid!! There is some good news for a few of these guys though. Team Franchise, who I think is better than that 0-3 record (I can’t believe I just said that!) takes on a Rhino team still reeling from yet another PAIN-ful defeat, and better yet they get Mutiny on the backend of a double-header. Mutiny is also looking for a win, so one of these two is bound to leave the “0-for Posse” – YAYY!! But as for the Gators and {-omitted per docket #CN-047 -} … well as Jessie Jackson said – “Keep Hope Alive!” So let’s get right into it: Rhinos (-14.5) vs. Team Franchise Picking up on TF, I’d say the schedule favors the Rhinos this week, because no matter how bad things are…. at least you’re not Team Franchise. That’s how it looks on paper anyways, but a closer look reveals that TF’s only losses have come against the top half of a top heavy Central division. Do they catch a Rhino team that is spiraling downward or fighting to remain among the elite?? Look for a strong defensive Rhino rebound this week (editors note: read between the lines - Team Franchise is averaging 5.7 ppg) as they look to get back to their strength in holding down opponents score. But even if the Rhino D holds TF to 7, that means the Rhino O has to score 22 to cover. I don’t see that happening from a team that’s averaging a little better than 10 ppg and coming off a goose egg. Take Team Franchise getting 14 and a hook. Banditos (-17.5) vs. Gators At 2-1, the Banditos hasn’t gotten much props this season from anybody, and I know why… they haven’t beaten anybody. But the bodies they have beaten, well they’re pretty lousy. And the Banditos have proved they can beat lousy teams. Sorry Goldrush, but you knew you were lousy already. And the Nighthawks -who? anybody?? They average point spread on these two cellar dwellers was 24.5. Well guess who’s coming to town??! Look for the Banditos sweep through the sewers of the East division with a blowout of the Gators (who will remain winless this season). Sheri-baby misses the line on this one by about a touch. Take Los Banditos giving the 17 and a half. Wolves (-28.5) vs. Hokies Hokie-fa-dokies … sorry fellas, but you burned me once on the MLOTW – it will take a while to get outta that doghouse. What’s worse for you, is you get to try it against a Wolves D that is steamrolling the West – only 7 points allowed on the season. This is eerily similar to Southern Cal’s dominance in a less than auspicious PAC 10. Hokies, you might think you’re the Oregon State… but we all know you as a bunch of beavers. The mercy rule may endanger this point spread, but I’m willing to bet the Wolves will jump out early enough. Take the Wolves in Lions clothing giving the HUUGE 28.5. (More proof of the bastard I can be after a nasty breakup – just ask Jessica Alba.) Pain (-8) vs. The Truth The Truth and Pain square off in what is surprisingly a shot at being in the drivers seat for the Central title. Having just put the Rhinos in their rear view, Pain will be looking to take one more step towards the division title, but first there is the upstart Truth standing in their way. ARG is still eating crow over last week’s comments regarding The Truth. But I think The Truth is out there now, and The Truth is good. And deep too! I think I saw some of their prospects out there up from their double A ball club out in Nokesville. Pain is favored just over a touchdown in this one at 8 – that’s two scores in anyone’s book. This will be a measurement game for both teams as we all have the question “Are they really that good?”. My answer: While The Truth has come a long way, Pain seems to be on a mission this year. My prediction: PAIN!!! Giving the 8. Dietze Nuts (-9) vs. Outcast II Outcast can put the ‘II’ next to their name all they want – but I still don’t see much difference from Outcast I. As a matter of fact, Outcast II may be even worse than Outcast I!! This is suddenly starting to look like the 1985 marketing disaster of New coke!! I hope that doesn’t mean were in for a return of “Outcast Classic”. That will just turn into a consumer war of those demanding New Outcast over Outcast Classic, which will only lead to the ultimate a repeal of both teams only to be replaced by one recipe that’s even more watered down than both previous versions. Throw your money at ‘Deeze’ Nuts. Just like the rest of them ARG hos! Dietz wins and covers the 9. Goldrush (-5) vs. Nighthawks Nighthawks and Goldrush. Goldrush will burst onto the scene here with their first regular season victory. Hopefully from here, then can right the ship and steer it right into their usual B playoff seed. Goldrush is always a solid team and has their share of talent, but never seems to jump to that next level. This team frustrates me routinely, but they get it done this week and should take the Nighthawks by more than Sheri-baby’s 5. Then will somebody please tell me who the Nighthawks are?? Solid analysis, I know. D-Mob (-28.5) vs. Trick 1 and (-14.5) vs. Playmakers Before I go overboard and say that D-Mob is just the greatest team ever, I gotta check myself and realize that they are only 2 – 0. However, both were quality and impressive wins over Vegas Nights and the Badboyz with a ‘Z’. Trick 1 doesn’t stand a chance in this one, but I feel they cover the number. The Playmakers don’t seem to be much different than Trick 1, but Sheri-baby’s is treating them 14 pts differently. D-Mob will win them both, but Trick 1 will cover, Playmakers won’t. United (-3.5) vs. Penetrators Penetrators have showed strength lately, they barely lose to the Wolves, Tie MS, then crush Hokies. Penetrators got a little something going on here of late with solid D that can apply pressure to the QB. That should frustrate a nimble United QB just enough into a mistake or two. And while United they stand; divided they fall. Sheri-baby has the line backwards on this one as I see the Pens winning a close one. But you get the 3.5 as a bonus and little OTP (over-time protection). And then for the Tivo junkies, there’s complete IFFL coverage on the Who Gives a $hit Channel available exclusively on the DISH Network. Tune in at 3 a.m. Tuesday for live rebroadcasts of these fine programs: PKL (-3) vs. Multiple Scorgasms (I could have had a lot of fun writing about faking the scoregasm and beating off occasionally in the shower – but this has WGA$ Channel written all over it.) Outlaws (-21.5) vs. {-omitted per docket #CN-047 -} (Remember the 25 Dog rule) Collision (-2) vs. WolfPack Team Franchise (-6) vs. Mutiny (good news for somebody - how does “1 and 6” sound?) Lazy Sundae (-22) vs. Midgets (there’s only 2 teams in the East – Lazy in one of them.) So here’s the exclusive members only, players club, gold card, platinum-plus, privileged information, insiders edge, 5-star, master lock of the week: Badboyz (-2.5) vs. Vegas Nights Vegas Nights showed some life signs last week by topping the Sharks in a resounding defeat. But my spies tell me it wasn’t your usual slate of great whites last Sunday, but a few nurse sharks instead. Badboyz still got a squad, and they’re not looking to just hand the MD title over to D-Mob. Badboyz D-line will do their usual lockdown of the Q and prevent any big plays. Meanwhile, Vegas Nights won’t have the patience to work it down the field. Look for the Badboyz Q to pick apart the Vegas Nights D by more than just the 2.5 line. Take the boyz (with a ‘Z’ – so crazy!) giving 2 and the hook. ~ARG ------------ To unsubscribe to Anal Retentive Gambler’s Weekly Newsletter, click the "Unsubscribe" link below: