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Well, well, well… it seems you peasants are begging to the High King of prognostication yet again. Some of you may even think that the ARG has turned his back on you. Well I have. Given that my girl Paris is out of the clink, and my other girl Lindsay can’t stay in rehab, there’s really not enough time to write this diet less tribe for you peasants. Plus my mailbox hasn’t exactly been stuffed with new subscription royalties lately, if you know what I mean. But it is the BARK BOWL, so consider this a free trial offer for the upcoming Fall. Once again, Tom and his IFFL brotherhood bring us their own version of March Madness – a lil something I like to call “August Insanity.” After all, a game in the middle of the day in August is nothing short of insane, and these wannabe baller cubicle jockeys are out in the oppressive August humidity trying to play 5 games in one day?!!? Like I said, Insanity! When you consider the BB, it’s basically 16 teams, racing to be the team at the end of the day with 5 wins. While it is double elimination in the first two rounds, you can pretty much flush your chances the minute your team finds itself in the losers bracket. Since the BB’s expanded format in 2005, only one “loser” managed to make it past the quarter-finals into the final four (Rhinos 2006 – beaten by Vegas Nights in the semis). So ARG’s not gonna give you odds, because that’s a little boring (and no one does boring like my man Sheri-baby)! And as for the first round lines, well those should be pretty obvious to most of us by now. Let’s approach this from the bracket point of view: Coming out of the top bracket we got Mac Daddies v. Sharks and Vegas Nights v. Titans. Sharks, true to their nature, are rarely seen in nature, but when you do see them, you generally soil your trunks and swim for your life. Daddies, you’ll be joined by the Titans in your Loser’s Bracket Introductory Exhibition. Chances are Vegas Nights won’t remember these Titans on their way to the their second round match-up against the Sharks. The good news here for Vegas Nights is that at least they got the Sharks in the second round, so you’ll get to swim in the losers bracket pool too! Sharks take this braket. Next up is Lazy v. Skeleton Crew and Goldrush v. Broadlands Pub. If you’re like me, you’re thinking aren’t Goldrush and Broadlands the same team? Maybe they’re not, but then again maybe they are if you consider they’re two teams I’ll never pick. Call this one a who cares game, because you know both these teams are jumping into the losers pool – just one of them is gonna dive head first. As for Lazy v. Skeleton, all I know about the Skeleton Crew is they’re from Harrisonburg and seem to be a favorite whipping boy of Maroon & Gold. Well Skeleton, you have thing to look forward to on your trip to Northern Virginia – somebody new will be holding the whip! Lazy takes this bracket. Bracket #3 gives us Pain v. Rhinos and Mutiny v. Larrys. Rhinos aren’t having much luck in the summer tournament series (sponsored by Pepsi), but should be positioned to do well on a hot day with their recent conditioning and roster of thirty-seven. Pain will be inflicted in this one, but the team Pain will have to wait until they get into losers pool before they start doing the inflicting. Mutiny made a splash in the spring playoffs, but will they splash into the losers pool after a date with the Larrys? (Just tell me when to stop the pool references!) Mutiny may be riding high… but their offense is still a big question mark, and Larrys draw a lot of ringers for these tourney’s, so look for them to come out on top. Just a word of caution Larrys – sometimes ringers forget what team they are playing for…so tell them not to pitch the ball. Then it on to that old Rhinos-Larrys rivalry. This is very similar to the old Cowboys-Cardinals rivalry, can you guess who’s who? Rhinos take this bracket. Finally we have Clubhouse v. Magnums and S&S v Maroon & Gold (M&G). Whew, for a minute I thought I may have to write a whole article without taking a jab at Clubhouse, but alas here they are. I’m gonna go with one more pool reference. And say that this year, the loser’s pool will have a nice Clubhouse built adjacent for patrons to enjoy. Although don’t get too comfortable in the clubhouse by the pool – chances are it won’t be there for long. S&S comes to Bark Bowl boasting a string of, well… nothing I guess. S & S might stand for Silent & Still playing. A good B team to be fair, but not much of a chance against one of Harrisonburg’s finest, M&G. And the Magnums will only offer M&G a tune up in their second round, so bring your trunks fellas. M&G takes this bracket. Round #3 reintroduces the losers back into the winners bracket, and this time we’re going single elimination. In reality, I can’t see one of these losers knockin’ off one of my Final Four (Sharks, Lazy, Rhinos, M&G). If I had to guess, I’d say the loser with the best shots might be Vegas Nights or Larrys. But that’s a long road on a hot August day, so lets not go there. In fact, I suspect that even if one of my four favorites gets knocked into the losers pool in one of the first two rounds, you will still see them in the Final Four. Semis. Sharks v. Lazy and Rhinos v. M&G. Wow, now how much would you pay for tickets to see these games? (Just let ARG know, I will DEFINITELY sell you some. I can also get you a great deal on the actual baseball that was Bond’s 756th homer – but hurry, there’s only a few left!!) Anycrap, Sharks take on another perennial favorite in Lazy. Both teams have been quiet this summer and Lazy is coming off a somewhat disappointing Spring. But they are another team that loves the ringers, and I look for a few of them to be the difference makers in this one. The Sharks will have to save that Fall weeknight boasting for another day. Rhinos will likely have their hands full with an opponent they don’t know too much about. But they certainly have the talent and depth to learn on the fly. The one good thing for them is that M&G doesn’t know too much about them either. Well fellas, here’s a hint: Army of One Hundred. If you see a lot of guys in orange out there on Sunday, those aren’t highway workers or some sort of prisoner work-release program – those are the Rhinos. Lazy v. Rhinos. How many times have these two great teams gone at it? Sticking to my Rhinos-Cowboys analogy earlier, if this is true, then Lazy Sundae can be the Pittsburgh Steelers. When these two hook up, you get great plays, some great moments, epic battles, but in the end it’s Terry Bradshaw being the one to end up on TV!?! Poor Staubach – that US Naval Academy education is just goin to sh-t in some Dallas car dealership now, while Terry can barely read the halftime highlights prompter on Fox every Sunday. Back to the game, it will be interesting to watch… I’m throwing talent out the window in this pick. Even Sef Almighty is gonna look Steven Hawking out there on the fifth game this Sunday. I can’t pick it until I get there, but if I count more orange than green, I may go with the Rhinos. But that hasn’t helped them against Lazy in the past… I gotta feeling that Sunday will be another stepping stone on the way to Sef becoming the next Fox analyst. (But he’s gonna have to keep the fro tight for television.) So here’s how to play it. Sheri-baby has the Rhinos at 10:1 and Lazy at 5:1. I say drop even money on each and the worst you could do is come out +3 if Lazy wins, but you’re plus 8 if Rhinos win. Now if the Sharks win, well.. you’re just f-cked!! Good luck on Sunday, suckers. I’ll be looking for you in Monday’s obituaries! ------------ To unsubscribe to Anal Retentive Gambler’s Weekly Newsletter, click the "Unsubscribe" link below: