The High King Returns…
No I’m not talking about Ron Artest… I’m talking about me, the ARG – back fresh off a sweet vacation. I apologize for leaving you all hanging in limbo for week 1 of the playoffs, but when Jessica Simpson says let’s go to Mexico – you go. Sorry I didn’t leave a note, peasants!
Anyways, I thought you’d all be safe last week. Obviously, the 5-star last week was Mutiny. Anybody and their Orthodox Jewish uncle knew that one. When you have an Army of One (Hundred), it should be obvious what your biggest weakness is…. that’s right, Mutiny!
Now the ARG usually doesn’t like to be harsh, I tend to be more on the side of poking fun, but Jesus Rhinos!!! Could you suck more? You don’t see choking like that even in a John Holmes blow job scene! You scored more points than any other team in all of the regular season, then can’t manage to score a single point in the playoffs. I take back all the garbage I laid on the Raw Dawgs all season, double that, put some KY on it, then cram it right up your cram-holes!! I mean c’mon.. bad enough you tank it to the MD BadBoyz (doing MD and their should be succeeded state a favor), but then you lay a gooseegg in Round 1?!?! This where Collinsworth would offer something insightful like “You got to blame this one of the offense.” Well no $hit Colon-whore… but at least that’s better than Romey’s comment of “I think the Rhinos special teams field goal blocking unit is more to blame.”
Anycrap.. excluding the Outlaws over Outcast game, there were no other surprises in the 1st round, so let’s not dwell on that… Although I will offer a kudos to the Wolves dropping 42 in a playoff game on some group of losers (even though they are probably better than Mutiny.) Wolves not only shaking the Lions name, but also that first round monkey history off their back. (Oh that gives me a great idea.. what a great name for a new team – “First Round Monkeys”… I wonder if that Rhinos lettering has dried on those snazzy orange jerseys yet?).
So let’s get it on… stickin with the Wolves you gotta like their chances at beating the 11 over All Makes and Models. I’ve see AM&M play, and I didn’t exactly see all makes and models on that team. What I did see was a lot of Pintos (old guys that were never recalled), Fieros (looked fast, but nothing under the hood), and Hyundais (good value, but still embarrassing to own) on that team. I think they are a Corvette short of taking the jump to the next level. And that combo of the Wolves man up defense & spread offense will have All Makes and Models looking for a Chevy, to take to the levy, and get the hell out of Dodge! (Maybe I went to far with the car metaphors..)
Mutiny vs. Outlaws… or as I like to call it, “This is a playoff game?” Mutiny will try to take advantage of what should have been an easy 2nd Round game for the Rhinos. But the Outlaws got a young gun at QB that change things quick. Truth be told, I’m stumped… Barring their place kicker, Mutiny can’t score in a whore house. And the Outlaws beat a team that is known for being an “Outcast” to the second round of the playoffs. Take the Outlaws and the young gun to cover the number.
Lazy vs. BadBoyz. I know Scarry Larry and Sef can’t wait to get this one on… They can downplay it all they want, but spies say this one is gonna get ugly before it gets good. It’s got it all… MD vs VA, smack vs. smack… and I dunno what else, but I wanna see it. More intriguing is the bye.. oops, I mean winner of Outlaws/Mutiny waiting in the wings next week.. make the winner of this game a sure ticket to the finals. ARG is bit of a Lazy fan, but I gotta take the BadBoyz in this one. Mainly because the ‘z’ in their name means their HARD, but also b/c I think they are coming to VA with a chip on their shoulder. Lazy will have their hands full with the Boyz QB is deceptively quick to the outside. Look for there to be some scoring in this one… BadBoyz giving 2. Unless of course Lazy decides to change their name.. think about it guys… Lazy Zundae?!?! How hard is that!
NOVA’s vs. Playmakers. Novas have been the easiest pick all year long…. And I think seeing the Rhinos get knocked has only fueled this teams determination. Nova’s closest game was probably last week’s against Goldrush… oh yeah, that was 13 points. I don’t even look for this one to be that close. Playmakers may wanna consider carpooling to this one… it’s a long trip back to Maryland.
So there’s your summary peasants… so whats the exclusive members only, players club, gold card, platinum-plus, privileged information, insiders edge, 5-star, master lock this week?
Here’s how to play it… lay a dime on the Nova’s…. but if you have to spend two dimes on tickets to the Lazy-BadBoyz game, then go do that. ARG will be there in the owners suite, maybe with Rob and the Commissioner. Jessica is not sure if she can make it yet, some horse$hit about a John Maier concert.
Oh and Sheri-baby… just cause I go out of town doesn’t mean our debt if off. If Bobby Baccalieri and Silvio Dante can be gotten too… then so can you!
(For B and C league analysis… look for my threads under author Helen Hunt. It’s simple, just click the link titled “Messageboard” and go to he11 and hunt for it!)
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Thanks peasants.. but you tellin me I`m good at what I do is like me telling the writer of the Sopranos that the series finale was a bit of a letdown.
Clearly we all know by now that the exclusive members only, players club, gold card, platinum-plus, privileged information, insiders edge, 5-star, master lock of the week is the closest thing you can get nowadays to a U.S. Bond (or should I say barrel of oil?)
Anycrap, yes the 5 star hit again, putting the ARG at an incredible 6-1 ATS on the year, and yes my other ATS musings on the A league playoff games came to fruition (Ugh! Thats right! "Fruition" Take that Prof Spelling!!) Counting the (f-n) push on the Wolves AM&M, ARG went 3-1, and basically gave you the recap before the game was even "capped." Analyis aside, I am brilliant.
So tune in next week when I predict not only the outcome of BadBoyz/Outlaws and Novas/Wolves, but also the war in Iran, the next Republican presidential candidate, the death of Castro, and weather Paris Hilton gets out of or goes back to jail (depending on what day it is). Predictions you will not see are NBA Finals, Lindsey`s drug addiction, season finale of Grey`s Anatomy and B/C league games. I have a strict rule about predicting on only things that people actually care about.
As for you Colons-worth, if you`re gonna copy my stuff, at least have the cahunes to say so. Now we all see why you work for HBO now... it gives you all week to copy your $hit from the "experts" before you air on Thursday`s HBO Inside the NFL. Talk about pointless dribble... between Marino, Boob Costas and Chris Carter, you`re the brightest one on that show! And I don`t mean that as a compliment! I mean, you`re basically only a Jim Rome short of making that show a sitcom.
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